My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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