apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Randomize
