Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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