I wish life had little blips of pornography
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My breasts were aching with rage.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
