Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
