I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
