tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
