Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
