Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
