Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
