Can i not drive my cunt home
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
