It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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