I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
