Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
