This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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