Sponge bath it is.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
