planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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