Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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