Can Purell be used as lube?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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