There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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