apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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