my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
