I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Dicks are not precious.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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