She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
