His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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