guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
