You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
