All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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