Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
