I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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