I could make wine with my vomit
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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