Your face is a jimmy john
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
