I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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