Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
