11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
