I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
