she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
