Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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