I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
