at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
