We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
