we have pet lesbian snakes
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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