her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My nipple is on Facebook.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
