What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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