K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
