our cab driver is having phone sex.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
