Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
