Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
