Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Terrible idea I love it
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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