drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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